Hard on the Inside

Today as I do my normal routine of stalking people on facebook and on certain blogs (which is a bad habit because sometimes I think I define the word "facebook stalker"...it's a sad truth) I came across a quote that really sunk deep. 


My wonderful and beautiful friend, Jessica, put this quote on her blog today:


"Women are soft on the outside and hard on the inside, while men are hard on the outside and soft on the inside."


For me, the women part describes me perfectly. I honestly don't believe their is a more perfect yet short way to describe me. It's not necessarily something I am eager to announce to the world but it's the honest truth. I feel that inside my heart. I feel that hardness inside my bones everyday.


The biggest challenge for me spiritually, emotionally, and mentally is to be vulnerable. It's beyond difficult for me to just sit down and open up. I know that is my number one problem with my relationship with Christ. It aches inside because I know that I hold a wall up with God. I know I do and it brings tears to my eyes as I write these words. 


God's desire from me is my heart. Not just pieces of it that I show Him on occasion and not bits that I show every once in a while. He desires every bit and piece that I try to hide from Him. He desires and patiently waits for me to slowly give them over. To me, God is so big and beautiful when I realize just how patient He is with me. Because I honestly don't always understand why He stays around but He does. And it's so overwhelmingly beautiful. 


I am very good at not showing my brokenness. I am the queen of covering up my fears. And it's not something I want anymore. I don't want that crown...I just want to worship the Heavenly crown of Christ. 


Day by day and prayer by prayer, I am slowly giving it away. For me, it's a process because it's not something I can do overnight. It takes time to give up my hardness especially when it comes to my dad. There is no subject or time of my life that I am more hard about then my relationship with my earthly father. It's the most difficult, most painful, most devastating, most heart-breaking, and most special. 


I have a Great Wall of China surrounding that subject. Probably about twice the size of that wall. And one day I know I will be able to tear those walls down but honestly I have come to realize that might only be when I am in Heaven. In Heaven, there will be no pain or hardness for women to hide behind. There will just be joy and praise for our Creator. 


I desire to tear down those walls on Earth.
I desire to be free of fears and free of hardness.
I desire to overcome everything.


And somehow and someway I will. 


Someday I will be soft on the outside and the inside. 






To help me conquer this goal and not just let it sit aside and wait. I have made a plan that instead of my first thing every morning to be check facebook, it will be to grab my bible and my journal. I will sit down and just breathe with God before I start my day whether that be 10 minutes or 2 hours. It doesn't matter to me or Him...I just want my heart to be in it so I can work on this Great Wall of China.