Being Me

So I have decided to try this whole blogging thing...finally. 


I have hundreds and hundreds of saved writings, letters, journals, and my thoughts written out in my computer from over the years. Writing has always been my way of expressing my thoughts and venting about the craziness that goes on in my brain. I love writing and everything about it. It lifts my soul to see my thoughts on paper and now I want to share them with others. So I thought blogging was the perfect way to do that. 


Writing is all about me being vulnerable. It's all about me showing my true colors with no fears. It's about me being free. And that's why I adore it. 


I have always had the hardest time being vulnerable with others. I learned at such an earlier age to build strong thick walls around my heart and my ideas. I learned that these walls were safe. As a girl and still somewhat today, I think that holding everything in is the best thing to do for me and for the people around me.  I learned to not show fear, sadness, dependence, and nothing that resembles weakness. I knew that I had to be strong. I had to always show happiness and joy.  


Sadly, I think most of that influence, growing up, came from church. I grew up in a wonderful place that truly blessed my soul but I grew up in a church where I believe it was difficult for anyone to be vulnerable. I saw that it was hard for teenagers and kids to just break down and weep from their pain. 


Every Sunday or whatever day church was, I walked in with a huge smile and saying hello to everybody. I looked happy and wanted people to think that I was that happy because of my amazing and incredibly strong relationship with Christ that was just perfect. I wanted people to think that my relationship with God was perfect, like I believe many of people walking into church want to demonstrate. For some reason in the church atmosphere and even on Christian school campuses (which I know first hand about), everyone has to seem perfect. 


It's a deadly problem that goes on in our culture that I am trying my hardest to break. You see, I am no where near perfect. I do not have a perfect relationship with my family, my husband, and especially Christ. I have doubts that I question God about daily. I have countless fears that I pray daily will slowly fade away and that I can conquer them. That's my day- mistakes in being a person, a friend, a wife, and a Christian. I am a mistake-making and fear-driven Christian. That's me. 


So I have made a pact to myself these past few months- to rediscover God on my own terms. What that means is that I am so tired of acting perfect and I am even more tired of seeing my brothers and sisters in Christ do the same. I think it is a deadly problem in our culture because all it does is draw people away from God. It brings nobody close. I know I don't want to be part of something where everyone has to be perfect and I know God doesn't want that either. 


So I am taking time to figure Christ out by myself. I am discovering, searching, questioning, and listening to what He has for me. I am sitting down with the Bible and letting it impact me the way God meant it to. 


I don't want to be apart of something perfect right now...I want to be imperfect with God holding my hand.