FAVorite Movie

The ultimate and best best best best movie ever made to me is The Lion King. 


I know I am a huge kid at heart. My husband laughs at me everyday because I always want to watch some animated Disney movie when we choose movies. And it's one thing I can't wait to do with my kids...in about five years of coarse. 


There are about a billion reasons why it is my favorite movie. I literally could go on and on but there is one reason why it really sticks with me. It's about a journey of a person going through a difficult moment in life and with the help of others, overcoming it. Not just overcoming it but allowing that difficult moment to empower you to be a better person. To me, that's just beautiful and it's always a goal for me. 


Another huge reason why I love this movie is the lions. I have an odd obsession with lions but really only male lions. It's a weird obsession, I know. I love male lions. When I go to the zoo, I literally can and have sat in front of the lion pen and just watched them for hours. I really don't care about any other animal. I love Narnia movies primarily because of the lion. And the best gift my husband ever got me was a huge lion stuffed animal. 


And honestly I hope one day that I can come back and be a male lion not a female for sure because they are just lame. Hopefully God can make that happen :) 


Just watch The Lion King and trust me you will understand why I adore it and why it will always and forever be my favorite movie. 

Hard on the Inside

Today as I do my normal routine of stalking people on facebook and on certain blogs (which is a bad habit because sometimes I think I define the word "facebook stalker"...it's a sad truth) I came across a quote that really sunk deep. 


My wonderful and beautiful friend, Jessica, put this quote on her blog today:


"Women are soft on the outside and hard on the inside, while men are hard on the outside and soft on the inside."


For me, the women part describes me perfectly. I honestly don't believe their is a more perfect yet short way to describe me. It's not necessarily something I am eager to announce to the world but it's the honest truth. I feel that inside my heart. I feel that hardness inside my bones everyday.


The biggest challenge for me spiritually, emotionally, and mentally is to be vulnerable. It's beyond difficult for me to just sit down and open up. I know that is my number one problem with my relationship with Christ. It aches inside because I know that I hold a wall up with God. I know I do and it brings tears to my eyes as I write these words. 


God's desire from me is my heart. Not just pieces of it that I show Him on occasion and not bits that I show every once in a while. He desires every bit and piece that I try to hide from Him. He desires and patiently waits for me to slowly give them over. To me, God is so big and beautiful when I realize just how patient He is with me. Because I honestly don't always understand why He stays around but He does. And it's so overwhelmingly beautiful. 


I am very good at not showing my brokenness. I am the queen of covering up my fears. And it's not something I want anymore. I don't want that crown...I just want to worship the Heavenly crown of Christ. 


Day by day and prayer by prayer, I am slowly giving it away. For me, it's a process because it's not something I can do overnight. It takes time to give up my hardness especially when it comes to my dad. There is no subject or time of my life that I am more hard about then my relationship with my earthly father. It's the most difficult, most painful, most devastating, most heart-breaking, and most special. 


I have a Great Wall of China surrounding that subject. Probably about twice the size of that wall. And one day I know I will be able to tear those walls down but honestly I have come to realize that might only be when I am in Heaven. In Heaven, there will be no pain or hardness for women to hide behind. There will just be joy and praise for our Creator. 


I desire to tear down those walls on Earth.
I desire to be free of fears and free of hardness.
I desire to overcome everything.


And somehow and someway I will. 


Someday I will be soft on the outside and the inside. 






To help me conquer this goal and not just let it sit aside and wait. I have made a plan that instead of my first thing every morning to be check facebook, it will be to grab my bible and my journal. I will sit down and just breathe with God before I start my day whether that be 10 minutes or 2 hours. It doesn't matter to me or Him...I just want my heart to be in it so I can work on this Great Wall of China. 

Blessed.

I am sitting down right now after putting my 25 pound turkey in the oven and waiting for my dough to rise for rolls. I am finally just sitting and it's the first time this week that I can think about what I am thankful for this year. Today is Thanksgiving which is my third favorite holiday (behind Christmas and Valentine's Day :) and I love it because we are all able to sit and just be with family. 

This week has been full of long days as I prepared for my first Thanksgiving meal done by myself. I wanted to do it all because I think the big meal is the best part and of coarse I am a little bit too independent. But hey at least I can admit that :) 

Today is not just about the turkey cooking in the oven for a billion hours, the homemade pies, or even the football games. Today is about my blessings. As I type away at this, I have a huge smile on my face because I am blessed. Beyond blessed. 

My life has been wonderful. And I can say that with pride and full thankfulness to my Creator because He had His hand over everything in my life. He careful planned my life and looking back...He did a decent job :) More like a marvelous job that still takes my breathe away. He gave me my blessings and that's even more reason to praise Him with my life. 

To be short and sweet here is my list of my blessings this Thanksgiving:

My Creator and my ever learning friendship with Him

My wonderful, strong, and fun husband

My family back in Texas  

My old and new friends :) 

My sister- Courtney Parlin

I am blessed and that's the best gift. 

Now let's pray that my turkey turns out wonderful...fingers crossed. 

M.W.S.

There has been something that has been placed on my heart recently to write about...but I have done everything to avoid. It's somebody that I don't really like talking about because it's just plain difficult for me. It's hard for me to talk about my cousin, Michael. 


Michael was my beautiful younger cousin by just a couple of moments. He had a wonderful soul and such a peaceful state. He was adventurous and spontaneous. He loved being outdoors and every activity that dealt with being outside. He had a kind heart and was a complete gentlemen. I don't remember a day growing up that I didn't see that boy smile. He always put what I wanted in front of him. And that is just the beginning of what I could say about it him...


I think there comes a point in some peoples lives when they feel like they can't keep moving forward. I know that countless days in middle school, I would wake up pleading to escape this world. I was depressed and could not see a light at the end of my tunnel. All I saw for a few months or maybe in years was darkness. I had many suicidal thoughts and wondered what life would be like without me. It was one of the most difficult moments of my life and I know the feeling of just giving up. I know what it feels like to have the weight of the world on my shoulders...or so it seems. 


I don't really know if that was the feeling my cousin had on January 15, 2007. I don't know if he felt that feeling or something stronger. I don't know what his last thoughts were or even what his last day or weeks were like. I don't really know how he came to his decision to move on past this world. I don't know and I know that I never will (which took many years to accept.)


Suicide is one of the biggest problems that face the world today. To me, it's bigger than any cancer, teen pregnancy, or any other social issue. It's the issue where people decide that there is no other way but ending their way. It breaks my heart every time I hear a story about it. It's heartbreaking and those words just scratch the surface on how it affects everyone. 


I miss my cousin everyday. I miss him and I loved him to pieces. I pray for him and that I know I will see his huge smile again. And I can't wait to hug him again. Gah...I can't wait. 




I am writing this not only in remembrance of my wonderful friend but also to express something that I learned and I want to share. It's so simple but so meaningful. 


Tell your loved ones that they are loved...every moment you can. And believe with every fiber of your soul that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. 


That it does get easier...


Trust me. 


I love you Michael. I literally carry you on my side everyday- what a blessing. 
And I will be seeing you. 

Screwtape Letters

Recently I have been reading the C.S. Lewis books (because he is ridiculously amazing). I started reading The Screwtape Letters yesterday and so far it has been such a great book. It's by far nothing like I have ever read.


For those that have not read it- It is a book of letters that Screwtape, an experienced devil, is writing to his nephew, Wormwood. Screwtape gives advice to his new devil nephew on the human race and their enemy which of coarse is God. It is full of fascinating and somewhat true statements of how we think and act. 


While reading it, I came across a passage that really spoke to me:


The human race was in a stage of war at this point in the novel and Wormwood is trying to secure the damnation of young man. He is trying to find the best way but Screwtape gives him very interesting advice. Screwtape writes that " The Enemy's human partisans have all been plenty told by Him that suffering is an essential part of what He calls Redemption; so that a faith which is destroyed by a war or a pestilence cannot really have been worth the trouble of destroying."


That passage literally blew me away. Even devils recognize that a faith that wavers during hard times or war, is a faith that is worthless to them. It is worthless because they really don't have any faith in God. They know that faith truly demonstrates itself when a person stands strong and holds Christ's hand even tighter during troubled periods instead of running away. 


How fascinating is that? :)


I know that this novel is completely fiction and C.S. Lewis really didn't have a conversation with devils but I think it holds so much truth to it. Faith in Christ is such a beautiful thing but I think it's even more spectacular to see someone going through the hardest of times and still having that faith. That's exactly what faith is to me and I believe that is the kind of faith that God desires from us. He desperately wants that unwavering faith that says "OK hard times- bring it on cause I have God on my side." :) That is what countless verses in the bible say and I know He desires that from all of us.


Is it extremely difficult to have that kind of faith? Yes. Do I have that faith yet? Um.. of coarse not. I still doubt God in times of trouble but that kinda of faith is my prayer to have. It will be so uplifting to finally have that. I wish that when times of trouble came my way, I did stand by God but that hasn't always been the case. When my father left my family, when my cousin committed suicide, when I lost my closest friend last semester, when I had no clue where I was going, when I was attacked on a Christian campus for who God made me, and there literally a billion other examples of times when I didn't have that kind of faith. 


But I want that. I want the devils and everybody to know that when hard times come, I will stand strong in His image. 


I want Screwtape to tell his nephew to stay away from me because they know where my heart truly is. 


(Anybody that has not read C.S Lewis really should dive into them. They are wonderful and I plan on reading all of mine (which is about six or seven) by the end of the year...just a personal goal :) His mind is amazing and completely captivates Christ.) 

I have been living in Hawaii for a few months now and I thought it would be fun to make a list of the things that I LOVE about it here and ugg not so much. 

Pros:

• Ocean. Living on so close to the water is the most wonderful thing. There is snorkeling, spear fishing, laying out, boarding, surfing, and the list goes on and on. 
• The weather is fantastic all the time. Everyday I wake up and the sun is shining and the sky is blue. Yes, there are some ugly rainy days but most of the time it's always a cool 70 degrees which is perfect. 
• Shaved Ice here is the best in the world. Guaranteed. 
• The native culture. It's amazing to learn about the Hawaiian culture and how they live their lives. The people are completely different than mainlanders and it's fascinating to see that. 
• Aloha. To most mainlanders, that word just simply means hello and goodbye. But here, it means so much more than that. It's away of being not just a word. Aloha means love, being joyous, helpful, and everything that means wonderful. I love the word Aloha now and pray to be more like it. 

Cons:

• Traffic. Seriously ten times worse than any Dallas area traffic. It's awful. There are six lane highways and still nobody moves. 
• Being literally an ocean away from family and friends back in the mainland. We can't just go home for a weekend or anything close because we only have to cross the Pacific to get there. Can be so annoying. 
• Limited number of stores and restaurants. Here is just a few places that I miss back in the mainland: RaceTrac, Olive Garden, Joe's Crab Shack, Jcpenny's, Sonic, Chick-fil-a, and many others. And if they are on the island then most likely they only exist on the opposite side. 
• The Hawaiian Language is so hard to understand because they use a very limited amount of letters so pretty much everything looks the same. It's the most annoying on street signs. Beyond annoying. 
• Always having to have a bikini ready body. Enough said.

Overall I love it here and feel so blessed to live here for the next three years. 

And everyone needs to visit :)

End of March

As the days go by here in Hawaii, I come to the realization that the end of March is coming closer and closer. It's the time of next year that I am dreading more than you can imagine. It's the time for my husband to get deployed for one year. 

My heart aches every day we get closer to that time. I feel a sense of of sadness and loneliness that is slowly creeping towards me as he begins to leave. I know it is still months away but how can I prepare my heart for the man I love to leave me and fight for his country for a year? I think any woman that is as much in love with a man, as I am with Philip, would dread the day of his deployment. 

I know that this is something that I signed up for by marrying somebody that was already enlisted in the Army. It's expected that they will get deployed at some point or another. Every wife knows it's coming, but it doesn't make it any easier. It doesn't make it any easier knowing that he will be missing our one year anniversary, Christmas, 21st birthdays, and many other wonderful days ahead. 

I have already began praying for that time ahead. It might be months away, but trust me I am literally going to need every single prayer and so will my husband. I am going to need God more than any other time in my life because I hate being alone. I hate the feeling of being alone and feeling like nobody else is around or close. I hate the feeling of knowing my husband is putting his life at risk for a country that needs to support our troops more. But my wonderful husband has the courage and honor to still protect something he believes in- which still takes my breathe away about him. 

I think the hardest part for me is that I am so independent. All I know in my life, growing up, is that you have to be independent. I am slowly starting to learn that sometimes or more most of the times, my independence is something I use to protect myself. I know I use it as a way to not get hurt by others and so I don't depend on anyone that will hurt me. It's extremely difficult for me to be dependent on somebody. It's a daily challenge of putting my walls down around my husband and not acting over independent. Because the truth is, I am  dependent on him. I love my husband more that I ever thought I could anybody. He is the most wonderful solider and man. 

But soon he is leaving for a year and soon I will have to face the fact that I am alone in this home again. And soon I am going to have to have find strength for him. He is going to need me during this deployment and we are both going to be leaning on our faith to carry us. 

"He gives strength to the weary
   and increases the power of the weak.  

Even youths grow tired and weary,
   and young men stumble and fall;  

but those who hope in the LORD
   will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
   they will run and not grow weary,
   they will walk and not be faint."

Isaiah 40 

Being Me

So I have decided to try this whole blogging thing...finally. 


I have hundreds and hundreds of saved writings, letters, journals, and my thoughts written out in my computer from over the years. Writing has always been my way of expressing my thoughts and venting about the craziness that goes on in my brain. I love writing and everything about it. It lifts my soul to see my thoughts on paper and now I want to share them with others. So I thought blogging was the perfect way to do that. 


Writing is all about me being vulnerable. It's all about me showing my true colors with no fears. It's about me being free. And that's why I adore it. 


I have always had the hardest time being vulnerable with others. I learned at such an earlier age to build strong thick walls around my heart and my ideas. I learned that these walls were safe. As a girl and still somewhat today, I think that holding everything in is the best thing to do for me and for the people around me.  I learned to not show fear, sadness, dependence, and nothing that resembles weakness. I knew that I had to be strong. I had to always show happiness and joy.  


Sadly, I think most of that influence, growing up, came from church. I grew up in a wonderful place that truly blessed my soul but I grew up in a church where I believe it was difficult for anyone to be vulnerable. I saw that it was hard for teenagers and kids to just break down and weep from their pain. 


Every Sunday or whatever day church was, I walked in with a huge smile and saying hello to everybody. I looked happy and wanted people to think that I was that happy because of my amazing and incredibly strong relationship with Christ that was just perfect. I wanted people to think that my relationship with God was perfect, like I believe many of people walking into church want to demonstrate. For some reason in the church atmosphere and even on Christian school campuses (which I know first hand about), everyone has to seem perfect. 


It's a deadly problem that goes on in our culture that I am trying my hardest to break. You see, I am no where near perfect. I do not have a perfect relationship with my family, my husband, and especially Christ. I have doubts that I question God about daily. I have countless fears that I pray daily will slowly fade away and that I can conquer them. That's my day- mistakes in being a person, a friend, a wife, and a Christian. I am a mistake-making and fear-driven Christian. That's me. 


So I have made a pact to myself these past few months- to rediscover God on my own terms. What that means is that I am so tired of acting perfect and I am even more tired of seeing my brothers and sisters in Christ do the same. I think it is a deadly problem in our culture because all it does is draw people away from God. It brings nobody close. I know I don't want to be part of something where everyone has to be perfect and I know God doesn't want that either. 


So I am taking time to figure Christ out by myself. I am discovering, searching, questioning, and listening to what He has for me. I am sitting down with the Bible and letting it impact me the way God meant it to. 


I don't want to be apart of something perfect right now...I want to be imperfect with God holding my hand.