Bring it on

I don't like New Year's resolutions. I never really have and probably never will. To me, they are just silly. I don't really think January 1st should be the day where the nation strives to be the best of themselves. I think it's a journey through out the year to change and honestly who really keeps them? 


What I love to do is to just take a look back at how I have changed over this year. I love to see how I have grown into a better and brighter me. I love to see if I am different than the girl writing on January 10, 2010. 


A year ago, I had just settled into my new apartment with a wonderful and honest friend of mine. I had just left the Christian University I had been going to and was starting at a community college. I was starting a new job and starting a new routine. But most importantly I was starting over. I was a lost, scared, depressed, angry, bitter, unhappy, and terrified woman. I had no idea what the future held for me and what my dreams were. I felt like I lost my self this time last year.


I typed a letter in my computer that truly expresses my heart in the beginning part of 2010. Here is a summary of it:


"What makes our life complete? What makes our life what it was created to be? What am I going to do with the story of my life?

            Those questions and many others have racing through my mind these past couple of weeks. I keep thinking of what in the world I am going to do in the future and where I am going to go. And honestly it can be quiet stressful trying to figure out life’s hardest questions in a matter of a couple of months. It’s almost like you have to figure out every detail of your future in order to satisfy our human minds.

            The truth is that a few months ago I did know exactly what I wanted to do. I knew who I wanted to be and what I was going to do with my life. In August, I knew that I wanted to work with youth in someway or in some formation. I thought I wanted to be a youth minister but not the person standing on stage. More like the person doing the behind the scenes things and just interacting with everyone. That is what I wanted to do for a big portion of my life. I thought that is what I was supposed to do.              
             However now I don’t feel the same. I don’t feel like I can be a youth pastor anymore, not because I feel like I can’t do it. I know the girl six months ago, could have been a fantastic youth pastor. But im not that girl anymore. I am not the person I was six months ago. I have changed and evolved into a woman that has so many deep thoughts and is trying to figure them all out. I am completely different.

            The girl who is typing this today is somebody who can’t work with youth right now. I cant because I am not the person who should be giving any type of advice to anybody. I need time to figure me out again. I need time to understand just how different I am and where this new person is going. I just need time to decide if youth ministry is even a passion of mine anymore.

            Here are some things that I know about my life and who I am today. These things I know I want to do and will accomplish them someway or somehow. I want to ride horses for the rest of my life, I want to travel the world and do mission work while traveling, I want to write books about my life or my experiences with my father and that relationship or Christianity, I want to find a job that will bring me meaning and joy, and I want to marry Philip Guthrie and spend my life with him.

            Those things I know I want to do and I know I want them to be part of my story. As of today and where I am, those are the only things I know to be true."

It's still funny to me to see God's play out so perfectly. I wrote that above letter in February and I married my best friend, Philip, in June. God always had his hand over everything that I did which is the biggest thing that I learned in 2010. 

Today in 2011, I am no longer a lost, scared, depressed, angry, bitter, unhappy, and terrified woman. I am joyful, full of happiness, full of questions, eager, and blessed married woman. I found happiness in 2010 because I became more of myself. I began to grow into the person I have always wanted to be. I grew into somebody that stands for what I believe and chases after my dreams. I became somebody that I am proud of and I love the beautiful human God created. 

So instead of a resolution, I am just excited for the growth that this year will bring. I am excited to see God's plans unfold. I am excited to work on my fears and just enjoy the life I have. So bring it on 2011 and whatever you have for me. I am ready.